 You see, I am alive.
Who among us has not longed for a soulmate, visualized our heart’s desire in a partner? How many of us have become involved in a relationship we thought was “the one,” only to find that after some time the mis-understandings and conflicts created too much alienation for the re-lationship to endure? If this partner is really “the one,” how could this be happening? Is a fulfilling relationship really too naive a thing for which to hope? Is anyone really happy in a committed, enduring relationship? The above quote, adapted from Momaday, suggests there are many levels of “standing in good relation” involved in being alive…that is, being fully alive. This Native American Indian perspective is rich with insights into the art and craft of “right relationship.” The idea is that to be fully alive we must be in good relationship to Earth, to the gods or God, to all that is beautiful, to others, and to oneself. Western culture has tended to overlook that the basis of any relationship — with anyone or any-thing — is a direct reflection of how one is related to or connected to oneself. It has been fairly standard, in the past, to dismiss this idea as a selfish position. But as we have evolved in consciousness, however, we have been able to discriminate between being “self-absorbed” and “having a self.” Such a self is the foundation for a strong identity from which to be aware and responsive. SELF INTIMACY For self intimacy to flourish, it is essential to transform the Inner Critic into an Inner Caretaker. This is a process of developing the capacity to become self aware, self-accepting and self-nurturing. The inner voice of self-scrutiny (The Inner Critic) then becomes an internal resource, reassuring ourselves that mistakes are part of learning and encouraging us to keep trying instead of punishing ourselves for falling short. The process of cultivating the Inner Caretaker involves commitment. 1. Commitment to self — becoming aware and befriending one’s inner experiences such as needs, feelings, fears, and strengths. 2. Commitment to well-being and growth — learning to discriminate the voice of the Inner Critic (complete with “shoulds”) and to replace that voice with the voice of encouragement from the Inner Caretaker. 3. Commitment to reveal oneself to someone trustworthy — risking vulnerability to relate authentically, increasing self-understanding, and thus helping others to understand one’s truth. From a developmental, human growth perspective, what does it mean
“to stand in good relation to myself?” Certainly, one must begin by
understanding the impact of past family and social experiences as they have shaped
one’s perceptions of “who I am” and “what is this world about”
and “how do I relate to this world.” In the process of coming to terms with such
notions, one must sort through which beliefs, judgments, ex-pectations and attitudes from
past experiences are best rejected or relea Ultimately, standing in good relation to oneself means accepting one’s strengths and weaknesses with enough compassion to allow oneself to make mistakes while continuing to grow and heal. It includes the understanding that mistakes are ways of receiving lessons and feedback. Critical judgments are unnecessary and can be released. It then becomes easier to see others as people learning, growing and evolving as are you, and to forgive them rather than to react to their negative patterns as intentional. As one forgives oneself for mistakes and negative coping styles, it becomes easier to forgive others. And the journey continues toward “standing in good relation with others.” It can now be possible to relate more effectively and authentically at home, at work, and in community. CREATING HEALTHY CONNECTIONS Think of an interaction between yourself and another person that felt alienating. Possibly you felt stifled, not heard, misunderstood, judged, attacked, criticized, or deceived! Such an alienating interaction creates a critic atmosphere where there is limited intimacy. Alice Miller sug-gests that feeling shame as a child is at the root of this critic atmosphere. We internalize shame when our parents/caretakers respond to us as if feelings we experience are “wrong” or “bad” instead of separating feelings from behavior and helping us to understand the feelings. In contrast, think of an interaction where you felt very connected. You may have felt validated, heard, valued, comfortable to risk sharing and to be vulnerable emotionally, or okay to just be yourself! Such a connected inter-action creates a caretaker atmosphere where there is safety, trust, and ultimately intimacy. “Being in good relation” does not mean being without conflict. Our culture values outcome over process and describes good relationships as “feeling comfortable” rather than as a connection with a trusted partner with whom we can share vulner-abilities and grow into more whole individuals. Interestingly, feeling comfortable typically does not provide us with growth opportunities to evolve. Evolving can include looking at our fears, reactivity, avoidance, denial and stretching into unknown, challenging areas which might make us feel out of control. We are not a species that tends to do these things graciously or voluntarily. We tend to fear the turmoil that always accompanies change. Focusing on the loss that change brings, we are often unwilling to grieve as needed or to acknowledge our excitement or to celebrate the possibilities as new doors open. RELATIONSHIP INTIMACY Intimacy begins with oneself. Becoming aware of and accepting one’s inner experiences builds inner safety and trust. These are the core conditions and foundation for developing the capacity of becoming close with another person. Trans-forming the Outer Critic into an Outer Caretaker is a prerequisite to cul-tivating healthy relationships. This is a process of developing the capacity to be empathic and trustworthy with another person. Again, let’s look at this process in terms of commitment. 1. Commitment to listen non-judgmentally — hearing the inner
experiences of a partner with under-standing and acceptance, though not necessarily
agreement. RELATIONSHIP ATTITUDE QUIZ Before reading our responses, take a moment to be with your own feelings and thoughts. Also, think about how others in your life — such as parents, partners, or children — might respond to these questions? 1. The key to a good relationship is to find the right partner…after that there is little work to be done. FALSE. It is important to find a partner who is connected to themself or willing to grow in a way that self-reflection, honesty and awareness can be a foundation for authentic relating. It is at this point, however, that the work typically begins. With a trustworthy partner, one can go through cycles of mistakes and disappointments in various situations in ways that deepen oneself and deepen the relationship. People arguing might express negative things yet find ways to express positive feelings such as warmth, caring and humor. The key is a willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own part, listen to the other person’s experience, and to take action to set things right. Realistically, the work is never-ending as we continue to grow on many levels throughout our lives. 2. A problem within a relationship can only be solved once blame is accurately assigned. FALSE. Enmeshment is so hard to sort out! Frequently we project our issues onto others so thoroughly that mutual agreement as to who is to blame is rarely possible or achievable. Any process to assign such blame typically is problematic and results in additional toxic entanglement. It is far more useful for each person to look at their own contribution and to take responsibility for their part only. This yields something more manageable for all which can then be worked through more readily with no one assigned as the bad person, scapegoat, or martyr. 3. It is essential to vent ALL your feelings regularly to your partner. FALSE. Did this stir up ambivalent feelings? Baby-boomers, who lived through the sensitivity groups of the 1960’s, might remember venting all as being seen as desirable. As a guideline for communication in relationships, however, it just does not work! What is important is to first vent your own feelings to yourself. Then after insight and calm has been achieved, appropriate feelings at appropriate times can be described to one’s partner using “I statements.” For example, I felt “X” when I experienced the way you did “Y.” What I need from you is “Z.” If we bludgeon someone with all our feelings, then the safety and trust level disintegrates for our partner. The capacity for our partner to hear and understand us shuts down as defensive walls go up. Partners understand each other far better when they inform each other about their internal process rather than exploding and blaming. 4. The experience of safety in a relationship comes from having one’s feelings and their needs understood by the other. TRUE. On some level we all know how wonderful it feels to be under-stood. It feels safe, empowering, loving, and special. This is not, of course, the same thing as giving lip-service and just agreeing with someone. Experiences or feelings are not right or wrong. They just are one of an infinite number of ways to perceive something. From this framework, it is easier to listen and to receive with understanding and with an attitude of respectful curiosity. “Oh, so that’s the way you heard that and felt. So that’s what was stirred up for you.” When in doubt, just say “Oh, so that’s how it was for you.” The word “Oh” can be very powerful! 5. Trust is the outcome of a safe atmosphere and allows partners to risk becoming more deeply known. TRUE. Although often most elusive, we all long to be known more fully, without having to hide the parts of ourself about which we feel shame. Regardless of our defenses, one way or another, all these parts leak out. Given that reality, it’s much more hopeful to find someone with whom we can risk being human and consciously choose to grow together. Communication grows out of every-day life! We become mirrors for one another, hopefully tender, mirthful, compassionate mirrors. Again, the more one stands in good relation to oneself, the more nurturing our mirror is for our partner’s growth. CREATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS The experience of self-acceptance allows for inner safety and self-trust. From this foundation, the Inner Caretaker can reparent us from within. The quality and depth of our self-intimacy then becomes reflected in our relationships with anyone or anything. Given our own incomplete growth, none of us are able to be an ideal partner, perhaps even the majority of the time. However, with commitment to the intention to be in good relation to oneself, in good relation to others, in good relation to community, in good relation to Earth, and in good relation to the Source of Life, connections on all levels of that relationship will flow more naturally. YOU SEE, I AM ALIVE, I AM ALIVE! Paul Lyons, M.S., and Vikki Hanchin, L.S.W., A.C.S.W., provide psychotherapy for individuals and couples, lecture to public and professional groups, and facilitates relationship workshops and psycho-therapy groups. Paul Lyons, Child and Family Therapist, specializes in issues including relationships, men’s issues, custody/divorce mediation, and parenting. Vikki Hanchin, Psycho-therapist, specializes in relationships, women’s issues, and women’s spirituality. They may be contacted at (412) 241-4000. |
sed as too damaging, limiting or
incongruent with the present. The next step is then possible: to accept oneself with
compassion and the recognition that, in many ways, one’s strengths frequently are
tied to one’s weak-nesses. This can be a blessing as well as a curse! For example, if
one is very attuned to the needs and feelings of others, then it may be very chal-lenging
to clearly speak up about one’s own needs and feelings. If one is very intense,
energetic, and enthusiastic, then it may be very challenging to step back making room to
take in what another is saying or experiencing. 